I fell about three weeks ago now.  It was a Sunday morning, and I was sitting down at the piano at church.  I think I was in the middle of falling already, and as I was in the sitting position, fell, taking (and breaking) the piano bench with me.  The piano sets on a stage, so I fell off the stage, hurting myself.  Now, I didn't feel particularly hurt that day, but I haven't been able to get through the pain yet!

That service at church turned out to be very touching, as those in attendance gathered around me, crying and praying.  I felt so very blessed to be cared about by this congregation.  It was just nice.

I said I haven't been able to get through the pain.  It's been rough.  As I type this, the only thing I really want to do is climb in the bed, but it's not even 7 o'clock yet, and so here I am.

I think if anything good is coming out of my pain lately, it is that I know people care and are praying.  It means a lot.    

I want to make a difference.  I mean a real, meaningful difference.  I don't yet know what that will be, or what it may entail, but I want to use my remaining time on earth wisely.  Pray for me that I will soon know what that is and I that I will have the courage to do whatever God has in store!

Years ago, my husband and I decided to take our children on "dates".  We each take our kids just by ourselves from time to time.  
With moving to another state a few months ago, and because of my not being able to drive myself...and not having a handicapped van until recently!, (the list of excuses goes on!)-  we hadn't been doing these dates.
This past Friday, I was able to go with my oldest son, downtown.  We rode on my power wheelchair (he walked part of the time) to pick up some food and eat at a park.  We were able to spend three hours together just enjoying our time.
I will be taking my youngest son and then my daughter this coming week.  We will go to a nearby city, do some shopping and have lunch.
It is so nice to be able to do this again.  I pray my kids will feel free to open up and talk about life and things that may be bothering them.   

I have been hurt by much in life, but this past weekend has taken the proverbial cake. I was informed by a long-time "friend" that "ALS has changed your personality. You're the not the friend you once were. It's sad."

I think the worst thing I read in all that, was that ALS has changed me. Yes, I believe it has, but it's been for the better!  I don't let the small stuff really bother me. So many things in life really don't matter. I thought friendship did.  THAT saddens me.

Living in the new place that we do, I am able to get to the beautiful Oregon coast quite often.  I love it!  It is so beautiful, so very peaceful, and well... to a Florida girl, the ocean is a balm to my soul.  I love seeing the waves crash on the rocks here, I love hearing the ocean roar.  I love seeing the sunset as if God has painted me a masterpiece!  I can't tell you if I love the sunrise here or not as I doubt I will be up to see it, and it won't be the same as when I lived on the east coast where the sun "rose in the east"... but somehow, I think it would be marvelous too.  I prefer sunsets though, and it truly is a beautiful sight over the ocean with the mountains in view.

God is forever reminding me of just how much He loves me.  It's all around you!  He loves you too!  Look at the ocean, the mountains, or wherever you live... look for evidence of His existence and just how beautiful His creation is.  You are a part of it!

Today I got my appointment to establish care here in my new state.  It will be towards the end of next month.  I wasn't prepared for the emotions that came with that appointment!  I felt something like I did when I was first diagnosed.  I just felt sad the rest of the day.  I am not sure why.  After all, I've been through this.  I am feeling increasingly weaker in my arms.  Especially at night, when I tend to type these blogs, I can tell my right arm is much weaker than it was just a month ago.  That scares me.  So, I guess, I am fearful of what I may find when I go to this appointment.  Sigh.... It all begins again.

How do I give in?

I was talking to a dear friend by facebook tonight who asked me how I was feeling. I responded that since it was her, I would be honest.  I've just not been feeling well at all lately, but that is to be expected.  Oh, I am not depressed. I truly AM happy in those pictures I post, but I am fighting with someone through all this.  MYSELF!  

My arms are getting much, much weaker and to lift my food to my mouth feels like bricks.  To lift my drink is getting so much harder and well... I just haven't found the way to let go and let someone help me.  I am losing so much of myself- it feels like watching myself slip away and I don't like it. Who would?! 

I am starting to see what babies must feel like when they realize they can do something for themselves but their Mama wants to do it for them a little longer.  Only, I will not get better at holding my "bottle", I will just get weaker until I can't possibly lift it at all.  It greatly saddens me that I will become so dependent on those around me.  It's as if I am going backwards in time, to when I was but an infant.

I need help but how do I let others do so? I just don't know.